Dear Fanfiction
by IzzyandDesRoxSox
Summary: The characters of ANOES saga aren't exactly happy with what they find on this beloved website, and demand an explanation.
1. Chapter 1

_I own nothing of the ANOES saga. All of it's characters belong to Wes Craven. This is entirely for a fun purpose. Enjoy! :)_

Dear Lunatic Writers,

I love you guys, seriously, just for the fact that you guys are even more messed up in the head than me with some of the stuff you guys come up with. Me? The Romeo type? HA! Yeah right.

Anyways, thanks for finding me hotter than those sparkling fairies from that book series called Moonlight or something like that. But let's be honest- this sexiness comes at a price, I'm not that easy. And my type isn't emo, misunderstood, pain-loving chicks. They don't get me, just that pain they wanted through via death.

So in conclusion if those stories of yours are those self-insert, I'll gladly take up to that painful death offer you've fantasized for. After all, I am the man of your dreams, aren't I?

Warm regards in my Boiler Room in Hell,

Freddy Krueger


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Yes, I'm going to finally confirm it after all these years you've been patiently waiting for me to admit it. I am madly in love with Frederick Charles "Freddy" Krueger. Neither Neil or Glen could ever compare to the tall and handsome man of my demon dreams. He's no nightmare, but a lost and confused monster that is so generous and has truly stolen my heart. I know in my heart that we were meant to be from when statrted chasing after me with murderous intent. My heart skips a beat everytime he calls me 'Little Nancy'. *sighs dreamily*

I think a part of my died writing this joke. Please tell me you guys are joking also with the Freddy/Nancy fluff stuff.

Sincerely,

Nancy Thompson


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Um, who's Harry Potter?

Honestly Puzzled,

Will


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Stop laughing! How would you like being called such a rude insult and then suffer a brutal death like being shoved into a T.V? ! *overemotional dramatic tears get all over the letter* YOU PEOPLE ARE AWFUL!

...So, how'd you think of my act?

Curiously,

Jennifer Claufield

P.S. No seriously, dying is not funny. You try it sometime and you'll see what I mean.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Sorry, but we do not exist.

With Sincere Apologies,

Imaginated Teenage Lovers and Lost Children of Freddy, Siblings of the Dream Warriors, Love Children of Freddy and Nancy, and Lost Elm Street Children


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Fanfiction,

I never had any children. Which brings me to my next curious question to you people; Who's this Roland Kincaid person?

From,

A Stumped (and quite concerned) Doc

**Note: Is it just me, or is there some sort of a similarity between Doc and Kincaid? Maybe it's just me, but for a moment it looked like Doc could get away with being perhaps Kincaid's father or uncle. *shrugs***


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Assholes,

Just because I'm all 'tough, troubled, and rough' don't mean I'm stupid! I know how to write ya know!

And what goes on between Taryn and I ain't no of yo business! *flushes furiously red hot*

Majorly Pissed,

Kincaid


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Fanfiction,

I didn't really notice Alice liked Dan also. _I_ was too busy drooling over him myself to really pay attention, honestly! So stop calling me 'the other woman' or a whore! Grr..

Very Annoyed,

Debbie Stevens


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Fanfiction,

I was not forced into the marriage with Fred or abused during it. I really did love him and the happy life we had at first. I'd do anything for him and our sweet angel of a daughter, Katherine. Even though I'm not happy with what Fred has done, I will always love him for the man I know. :)

Sincerely,

Loretta Krueger


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Fanfiction,

I don't have much of a fetish for chocolate or other sweets other than gum or jawbreaks I suppose. Nor do I have any sort of bloodlust revenge, plus I don't cut my own hair, my barber does that for me. Um, I suck at mowing the lawn so why would my parents ever trust me with trimming and decorating hedges? And I'm not a pirate either!

So who are these people called Willy, Sweeney, Edward, and Jack? Are they ex-boyfriends of Nancy? *gulp*

Sincerely,

Glen


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Mentally Screwed Kiddies,

Oh geez you guys are just making my day. *shakes head from laughter* You guys actually believe Nancy and I are like the next Romeo and Juliet? Oh god I'm gonna die (again) from laughter!

In reality I would fuck and kill the bitch. BUT if she somehow survives and punches something out I swear it ain't mine!

*grumbles* Better name it Freddy Jr. anyways.

Highly Amused,

Freddy Krueger


	12. Chapter 12

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Just to clear up the confusion for all of you; Kristen, Nancy, Taryn, and Jennifer are my FRIENDS. Not the ones with benefits, and I don't like any of them but am secretly trapped in the friendzone. They've got their own mans. Nancy's got Neil (I think), Kristen and Rick are soulmates, personally I think Jennifer and Phillip have something going on but won't say it, and Taryn has Kincaid- er! Crap! I wasn't supposed to say that! *covers mouth*

Well I guess since I already blew that then would you please knock it off with the Joey/Kincaid stuff? What in the world makes you think that if neither of us got Kristen (who again, is only a friend) that we would turn to each other after Westin?

Sincerely and Highly Disturbed,

Joey Crusel

P.S Joey/Alice, really you guys? Like Rick isn't after me enough with his suspicisions that I once had a thing for Kristen.


	13. Chapter 13

Dear Fanfiction,

For blowing my secret, Imma let you in on two secrets on Joey.

1. I once had to rescue him from being tricked into going into the girl's bathroom after he heard one of the popular chicks wanted to meet him there.

2. He's got a crush on Sheila Kopecky.

Happily Trolling,

Kincaid

* * *

><p>Dear Kincaid,<p>

Roland, I really hope Krueger goes after you first if he ever comes back.

AND DO NOT TELL SHEILA! ! !

P.O'd,

Joey

* * *

><p>Dear Joey,<p>

Request accepted.

Sincerely,

Freddy Krueger


	14. Chapter 14

Dear Fanfiction,

Ooooh, I see what you did there. To clear up this case of mistaken identity I'll provide you with the following facts on me;

1. I do not have any sort of visible scars on my forehead or anywhere. Well, at least no cool looking, lightening-shaped ones. *flushes*

2. I do not have a hot ginger girlfriend. Nor was my first kiss from a cute Asian girl.

3. My parents are very much alive and they have yet to have any sort of conflict with a noseless man. Only Krueger.

4. I went to a regular school like the rest of the other Dream Warriors and learned things like science, math, history, english, etc. Not one of my teachers was evil, madly in love with my mom, a werewolf, possessed the ability to see the future, or was missing an eye.

5. What the hell do you mean I should've used "Avada Kedavra" on Freddy instead of my Wizard Master powers? Like are those words even real? What do they do?

Sincerely,

Will Stanton


	15. Chapter 15

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I am NOT tempted by the "dark side" of my family AKA my Daddy and his little offer.

*stares enticed at spare clawed glove but shakes head and resists*

NO! Tracey, Doc, and me are a team of heroes against him! Got that? !

Strictly For the Home Team,

Maggie Burroughs

P.S. I guess I don't mind Katherine for a name either.

P.P.S. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M A JEKYLL/HYDE CASE! ! ! |:(


	16. Chapter 16

Dear Fanfiction,

Wow. Man and I thought Kristen's two friends were a little odd. Half of this stuff is honestly pure comedy gold. I was in stitches from all the Rick/Alice madness and Joey/Rick/Kincaid triangle mania!

...And then I realized you people are actually dead serious.

I should let you know that the only girl (and yes, GIRL) for me is Kristen Parker. My beautiful, spunky, sweet girlfriend. I'd die for her, and I'm her *takes deep breath* Ricky-Poo.

So where on Earth do you people actually get the idea she and I were in a twisted, unfaithful, alcohol-obsessed, abusive relationship? Or experience a teen pregnancy? ! Ay ay ay!

*sighs deeply and shakes head*

Not Laughing For Once,

Rick Johnson


	17. Chapter 17

Dear Fanfiction,

My Mommy is Alice Johnson and my Daddy is Dan Jordan. Rick Johnson is my uncle, and Kristen is my considerate aunt and godmother.

There's my family tree for you. Now tell me, do you see the name Freddy Krueger fitting in there anywhere? Especially as my Dad?

Creeped Out,

Jacob Johnson


	18. Chapter 18

Dear Fanfiction,

ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME? !

I don't believe this! To think I was actually starting to like you physcopaths and the crap you guys would pull out for stories, but this is ridiculous! This is just crossing the line! It's madness!

Gimme me and Nancy, Taryn, Kristen, Jennifer, Sheila, Alice, Debbie, Greta, Tina, or Marge any fucking day over that! At least they're all WOMEN!

WHY WOULD I EVER EXPRESS ANY SORT OF EMOTION OTHER THAN HATRED TO THAT UGLY HOCKEY MASK WEARING PRISSY MOMMA'S BOY? !

What type of chemistry do you see other than hatred? ! Hell at least I get the case when you think I'm flirting with Nancy just to piss her off, but this just proves you've got no IQs here! ! ! Freddy/Jason, good lord!

Now Loretta and Katherine are after me demanding an explanation! And now that those brat Dream Warriors have gotten sight of it they're holding it against me! I hear they're gonna make a movie out of all the fluffy fics and post it up on YouTube! I don't believe this! Why you- Gr….When I'm through them I'm gonna make sure they stay dead!

But in the meanwhile that I track you down, just know this. I am as straight as a ruler. And NOT the bendy type! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

One Two, Totally Coming the Fuck For You,

Freddy Krueger

P.S Oh dear lord *throws up* me and Pin Boy? ! All the demon women down there have a huge fetish for him, even though I got no clue why. Because I can make a list longer than a greedy kid's Christmas want list as to why I don't get along/like that pesky Prince of Pain. -_-"


	19. Chapter 19

Dear Fanfiction,

The things I've seen…

YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK! YOU KNOW THAT? ! FREDDY FREAKING KRUEGER IS MY FATHER! ! !

*throws up*

Do I really need to go down the list as to how many of the males I associated with are ONLY friends?

Besides, I've just met someone. He's really handsome, funny, caring and sweet.

*gasps and realizes*

DO NOT TELL MY FATHER! I don't need another guy running off in fear- *sigh*- again.

Hopefully This Guy's The One,

Maggie Burroughs


	20. Chapter 20

Dear Fanfiction,

Alright fanboys, let's get something straight. When I said I wanted to look beautiful and bad that did NOT signal some sort of cue from you all to release your fantasies in the creepiest manner possible. Did a combination of leather and a mohawk somehow end up reminding you guys of Princess Leia's slave suit? ! My only response to that is you will not catch me dead in wearing that.

*flips the bird at Lorenzo who is grinning creepily and holding up that outfit*

Ugh. I found it a bit of a relief that there weren't that many fics on me, and then Kincaid had to point out there's a rated M section. Ugh, god. I know we're dating but we're not hopping into each other's arms and humping like rabbits!

*flushing red and grumbling*...Didn't he make it clear what goes on between us is none of your business? |:(

Serious Thoughts on Restraining Orders to You Sick Fanboys,

Taryn White

* * *

><p><strong>Note: Seriously, in one of the ANOES comics I saw a pic of Taryn and she looked to be drawn out as a combo in her outfit as Wonder Woman and Princess Leia in her slave suit. XD<strong>


End file.
